Alone
by Olivia Rollins
Summary: My own story from Wattpad. I OWN NOTHING. What happens if Lewis did rape Olivia? How will she handle it? She feels alone and afraid, but most of all she will have so much anger when someone steps back into her life. Will he stay this time? Or will someone else stay and love her through this painful time? Mature readers only. Please read and review. Nicely.
1. Chapter 1: The Torture

"I'll give you a choice Olivia..." Lewis said as he walked around the table towards me. "I can rape you first, or I can rape Amelia."

"Rape me." I said so quickly I'm supprized I didn't slur my words. I won't let him rape that little girl, even if it means giving my life for her.

His hands are on my breast, grabbing so tightly I think there going to pop. I thank God as he starts to rape me from behind, though at the same time I pray for him to stop. I thank God because its me, and not her.

"Look away Amelia." I whisper as I grip the table with my cuffed hands. She does as she's told; I can hear her crying for us as she hangs from the rope tied around her wrists.

This isnt his MO. Raping the non-resestent. Though I can feel the pain between my legs, the tears down my face, but I can't believe it.

...

About 25 minutes later he cums inside of me, I feel worthless. I feel like I should die. I feel dead inside.

"What took you so long Lewis, had a hard time getting it on with a real women like me?" I ask to buy time for Amelia.

He hits me across the face with a closed fist. He point his gun at me, about to say something...

"NYPD where coming in!" I here someone shout. We can here them coming up the steps; Lewis smiles and points the gun at my head again. "I want this to be the last thing you remember before you die."

I close my eyes and wait. Then the gun goes off...

"Olivia!" I here Amelia shout, I open my eyes immediately, supprized that I'm still alive. Halfway wishing I was dead.

Lewis is laying on the table, blood coming out of his head steadily.

Fin is the first one to me, Amaro takes Amelia down and looks at me. I shake my head, trying to believe what just happened. I was raped. And the ones I love get to see me in the worst state of my life; both hands hndcuffed to a table, pants and underwear at my feet, and my rapist dead in front of my face.

Why, God?


	2. Chapter 2: The Aftermath

After my visit to the hospital, and the rape kit, I had Amanda take me home and she walked me to my apartment.

"Do you want me to stay the night?" Amanda asked with a worried look on her face. "I can stay as long as you need me." She added.

"I... I'm..." I don't want to be alone. I thought to myself. But I don't want to be weak. She saw right through my hesitation.

"It's ok, I'll stay, I want to." Amanda assured me. I gave her a light hearted smile.

She opened the door to my apartment and we walked in. I heard her lock the door behind us, I jumped a little at the sound. She gave me a reassuring smile, I'm glad she stayed. As stupid as it sounds, I'm afraid to be alone. I should welcome the feeling of time to myself, but that's all I've ever had. I've always been alone. I will probably always be alone.

"Are you hungry?" Amanda brought me out of my thoughts. I looked up, I realized that I stopped in the middle of the living room. "Um... Ya sure... We'll have to order out, I don't cook much." I said absently.

I continued to the couch and sat down. I heard Amanda order Chinese over the phone for us. I brought my knees to my chest and tears began to silently role down my cheeks. I feel so broken. I feel so alone. Even with people checking in on me. They only do it now, but what about years from now? I'll still be alone, no one to share life with.

After Amanda ordered the food, she walked over and sat a few inches away from me. I can understand. We are trained to give survivers some space, so that we don't trigger any bad memories. But it only mad me cry harder. She opened her arms to me, silently asking if I want physical comfort. I all but dove into her arms. I needed someone to hold me, if it was only a co-worker. She understands me, at least part of me.

Every so often she would whisper to me "It's ok, hunny, I'm here for you." or "You will get through this." It felt like I cried for hours, but it must have been minutes because the door bell rang. Our food must be here.

"I'll get it." She said. As she released her hold on me I saw her wipe tears from her cheeks.

I sat in silence, wiping my tears away as she went to retrieve our food.

"What are you doing here?" I heard Amanda ask slowly as she opened the door.

"Amanda, who is it?" I asked in confusion.

She looked at me, and then back at the person on the other side of the door. She stepped back to let whoever it was in, and as he stepped into my apartment he said "Hi, Olivia."

I would have never of thought he would come to check in on me, of all times.

...

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	3. Chapter 3: The Visit

"Why... What are you doing here, Barba?" I ask as Amanda shuts the door behind him. Her expression just as supprized as mine.

"I wanted to see you, see how you're doing..." He trailed off looking at the floor. He couldn't stand to look at me. My right eye was almost swollen shut with a purple tenet to it. I whinced as I remembered how I got it.

Amanda must have saw me, because she walked over to me and said "Why don't you sit back down and rest, let's all go into the living room."

Once we were in the living room Barba looked even more uncomfortable.

"Um. Amanda, could you give me and Barba a few minutes to talk?" I asked timidly. But before Amanda could answer Barba cut in. "Are you sure you'll be okay with that? I mean don't do anything you're uncomfortable with, I can come back later..."

"I'm fine Barba. You didn't do this to me, and I'm not going to let this over take my life." I stated probably a little too strongly because a dead silence took over the room.

I look towards Amanda with a questioning look. "Um, ya, I'll go and get Frannie. Do you mind if she stays here too?"

I gave her a little smile. "You know I love that little cutie."

She smiled at me and headed for the door, grabbing her keys on the way out. "Call if you need me!" She said over her shoulder. "I will." I promised.

After Amanda left, I looked over to Barba.

"So..."

"I..."

We both started at the same time.

"You go first." I said.

He smiled a little. A cute little smile I've never seen on him before. It was nice.

"I came over to see how you are handling this. I know you just got home, but I had to make sure you has someone with you."

I'm not sure whether to be thankful for his consideration, or to be angry for his thought of my incapability to take care of myself. But I'm honestly too tired to care at this point.

"Um... Thanks, Barba."

"Please, we're friends, call me Rafael."

I smiled, though I'm not sure why. Maybe someone cares for me more than I think. I shake my head to myself. 'Stupid. Stupid. No one cares about you. You're alone. Always have, always will. You're not worthy of anyone's love. Just think about Elliot, you're worthless, so he left you.' I thought to myself.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Barba... I mean Rafael asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I looked up at him, realizing I had started crying again. 'Stupid, so stupid.' I thought to myself.

"It's nothing, it's just... I..." I trail off, trying to laugh to stop myself from crying. He's still looking at me with worried written all over his face.

"I just feel, so stupid. I feel like... Like everyone is trying to act like they care. Like Amanda, staying with me. You, coming here... Checking in on me. But I know you all have life's that don't evolve around me, not that I want that it's just..."

"It's hard to deal with. Feeling like your alone. Worthless. Like you don't deserve this. The care, love, and support all of us are trying to give you. You think it's all a lie." Rafael finished for me.

I felt the tears coming back for the thousandth time today.

"I just want to make sure you know that no matter what, I am here for you. Whenever you need me. I consider you a close friend, and I hate to see you go though this alone. Because you're not alone." Rafael said.

He stood up and walked over to the couch to sit next to me. When I didn't move he engulfed me in a lose hug, at first I didn't know how to react. But I felt safe in his strong arms, and he smelled like peppermint.

He held me as I silently cried and ruined his white shirt. For some odd reason, I believe him. I trust him. My eyes started to droop, and I felt sleep take over me.

...

Amanda's POV:

I saw the Chinese dilevery man outside Olivia's amartment building. I went ahead and paid him for the food and me and Frannie continued up to her apartment.

When we got to Olivia's door I heard something... No, someone...

Frannie started to run, as well as I did, leaving the food in the hallway.

"NOOOO! STOP, DON'T HURT HER! GET OFF OF HER!" I could here Olivia screaming through the door.

I busted the door open with my shoulder and Frannie took off inside. As soon as I saw Barba trying to wake Olivia I tried to call Frannie off.

"Frannie, here!" I called two seconds too late. Frannie had already tackled Barba to the ground, pinning him down, waiting for my command.

"Frannie, here!" I called again, this time she came.

Forgetting about Barba I rushed to Olivia's side. "Are you ok, honey? You're safe, Amelia's safe. It's over. Its ok."

I held her as she cried herself back to sleep, but I heard her whisper "No, it's not ok, I'm alone..." And then she was asleep again. Poor girl, I'm not sure when the last time she slept was.

I gently laid her down and went to check on Barba. He was standing near the kitchen, watching us, and Frannie watching him.

"Frannie..." I warned the dog.

"Are you ok, Barba? I'm sorry, she's protective over everyone." I asked him quietly, hoping Olivia wouldn't wake up.

"I'm fine.. Is she... Is Liv okay?" He sounded worried.

"She'll be ok. We'll all help her through this. What... What did you talk to her about?" I asked out of curiosity.

He smiled gently. "I wanted to let her know she's not alone, but I believe it's going to take some time to get her to see that."

I nodded in agreement... 'So that's what she ment when she said she was alone...' I thought to myself.

"Tell her I'll stop by tomorrow around Lunch. If she's up for company." He said as he headed towards the door.

As he walked to the door, I saw the tears that glissend from the light on the side of his face.

As he shut the door I couldn't help but wonder why the sudden change in behavior. 'This isn't just affecting Olivia. It's going to change us all.' I thought.

I took a blanket and covered Olivia with it, I don't want to wake her to put her in bed.

I sat down in the chair next to the couch. Closed my eyes, trying to let sleep takeover...

'Damn it! I left the Chinese food in the hallway!'

...

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	4. Chapter 4: Life's a bitch

Olivia's POV:

It's only been 24 hours. 24 hours since I've been broken... 'No I can't think like that,' I told myself, 'you're strong, you survived.'

"I survived." I mumble to myself, while I sit at the bar in the kitchen. Amanda is making breakfast for us.

"Did you say something, Liv?" She looks at me questionably. I just shake my head.

She turns back to the pancakes on the stove; she found an old box in the cabinet, which are hopefully still edible.

"How are you feeling?" She asks suddenly.

"I just want to forget and for people to quite treating me like I'm broke." I say honestly. 'But you are broken.' I think to myself.

"I'm sorry about last night, I don't usually breakdown like that..."

"It's ok..." She starts to cut me off.

"Please, don't. I don't want him to be an excuse." I say as she sets our plates down in front of us. She just nods and remains silent. We continue the rest of our meal in silence.

After we washed and put the dishes away, we settle on the couch to watch a movie.

'A League of Their Own... Casey would love this movie.' I thought with a smile. 'I wonder if she knew I went missing... I haven't seen her in ages.'

The thought of my old colleague makes me smile.

'If Elliot were here, he'd give you a rain check.' I remember her words clearly. My heart starts to hurt again just thinking about him.

"Hey, Barba wanted to know if he could swing by for lunch. If you wanted." Amanda interrupts my thoughts. I give her a questioning look.

"I just think he's worried about you. You're probably the closet thing he has to a friend around here." She states the obvious.

Don't get me wrong, I consider him a friend as well. "Sure, why not." I agree absently.

"While his here for lunch, I'll go and pack a few things to stay longer if you want." She adds kindly.

"No, no, that's not necessary. Thank you for staying the night, but I... I want... I need to get through this... Alone."

She looks at me for what seems like hours. But I know she understands.

She nods her head slowly. "Alight." She says in her southern accent.

Our attention goes back to the movie for about 30 minutes.

"I'm going to go out." I said suddenly, walking to the bedroom to get dressed. When I walk back into the living room, she's still sitting there looking at me like I grew another head. "Are you sure?" She asks.

I nod my head; my hair is down, covering some of my brushed cheek, and I have big sunglasses on to cover my still purple and swollen eye.

"I'm just going to get some air, maybe visit the guys at work." She eyes me worriedly but doesn't object. I give her a small reassuring smile as I walk out the door.

"By the way I'll call Rafael and tell him where to meet me, you can join us if you want." I offer.

"No, that's alright. I think me and Frannie will go for a long walk."

I smile, "Be carful." I said as I left my apartment.

I decided to walk to work. I felt tense the whole way there. I forced myself to relax as I saw the door to my building.

I looked at my watch. 'It's 11:30, they are probably here by now.' I thought to myself.

The next thing I know, someone walks right into me from behind, knocking me off balance.

I don't see the building anymore, everything is dark, I feel like I'm back in that warehouse. I can hear Amelia crying.

"God knows woman what the fuck!?"

This snaps me out of my trance... That voice... No it couldn't be...

"Elliot?" I asked, confusion evident in my voice.

"Missed you too, Liv." He says with his hand over his nose, there's blood gushing everywhere.

"What the fuck just happend?" I asked, panic rising up inside me.

He looks at me in confusion.

"I didn't see you there and ran into you, the next thing I know you punch me in the fucking nose. Jesus, Liv, I know you're upset but, damn it this hurts like a bitch!"

I stood in shock. Did I really just punch him in the face? I look down to see that my hand was still in a fist.

"You know what Stabler, you deserve that and more."

'I honestly didnt know it was him, but I probably would have done it anyway.' I though to myself.

I turned around and all but ran into my work building and quickly found myself on the roof.

"This is all too much." I say to no one.

I wiped the tears, that I didn't know where there, away from my cheeks. I just saw the one person I thought I'd never seen again. At the worst fucking time. Damn life.

I heard the door open behind me.

"Olivia, can we talk?"

Him. Again. Fuck.

"There's nothing to fucking talk about!" I scream over my shoulder, without looking at him.

"Are you ok, I didn't mean to make you cry." He sounds sincere. But I don't give a fuck.

"You don't know do you?" I asked, not sure whether to be relieved or angry. "How would you know, you weren't here." I added snidely.

"That's low, Olivia." I hear him say.

I can't stop laughing now, tears rolling down my face from laughing and being angry.

"Are you fucking serious!? You don't know how fucked up my life is do you? DO YOU!?" I'm not sure where all this is coming from, but fuck it. He's not getting me to feel sorry for him.

"What the hell is going on..." Fin says joining us on the roof. He looks at Elliot, then to me.

"Baby girl, what are you doin?"

I look at him, then I look at where I'm standing. I'm standing at the edge of the building, gripping the railing... 'The only thing keeping you from giving up...' I think.

"Come here..." Fin says with open arms.

Still angry, mainly at Elliot, I obay. Tears running freely down my face.

"What the fuck is going on around here?" Elliot asks loudly. I flinch, this doesn't go unnoticed by either of them. Elliot's eyes widden in realization.

"Olivia..." He started.

"Why the fuck do you care?" I whisper harshly.

"I'm going home." I told Fin as I quickly walked out before either could protest.

'Life can be such a bitch...'


	5. Chapter 5: What's Life Worth Anyway?

Amaro saw me making a quick exit; I saw him start to come after me.

"Olivia! Olivia, wait up!" I stopped but didn't turn around. He walked around so that he was facing me.

He looked like he was about to ask what was wrong. I shook my head, I don't want to talk about it.

"I'll take you home..." He stated hesitantly.

"No, it's fine. I'm fine. I'm going to eat lunch with Rafael anyway."

He looked at me a little funny.

"You mean ADA Barba?" He said with a smirk.

I can feel the heat rising to my face. Lunckly you couldn't tell because I had been crying uncontrollably.

"Mmm yea." I said nervously. "See ya later..." I mumbled and quickly walked out of the building.

Once I was outside, I took a deep breath to calm myself.

'God, it's been four years. Just when I was starting to forget him... He comes back, NOW of all times. Does he expect me to still... To still love him? At all?' I think to myself.

****Memory****

"God, I hate cases like this..." I say to my partner.

"I know you do, Liv, so do I." Elliot replied.

We just finished a rape case. No big, right? We found the guy who did it... But it was a big deal to me. The women became pregnant with his baby. She decided to have an abortion.

"That could have been me, El." I state.

"That should have been me." I add.

"Don't ever say that again." Elliot says harshly. "You mean so much, you have so much to live for..."

"No, I don't." I cut him off. "You have a family, Elliot, I don't. All I have is this job and you. But I don't have you. Figures the man I fall for is happily married." I say as I take a swig of my beer.

He stares at me in shock across the bar table. It's one in the morning, almost no one's in the bar because it's Tuesday.

"I... I don't..." He starts.

I shake my head, I refuse to let tears fall. "You don't love me." I finish for him.

"I have a wife, Liv..." I smile sadly. A tear escapes from me.

"I know..." I say as I get up, leaving a tip on the table...

****End memory****

'We never spoke of that night.' I realized. 'Huh, that was over 5 years ago... Where does the time go?' I though to myself.

"Olivia."

I signed as I heard my name called, I haven't even gotten 20 feet away from he building.

"Hey, Liv, you ok?" I turn around to see Barba, surprisingly.

"Actually, no." I say honestly.

He just gives me a small smile in return. "Would you like to go ahead and get lunch?" He offers.

"I was going to call you..." I started before he cut me off.

"It's ok, Amaro called me." He said with a smirk. "He also told me you ran out of their like it was on fire." He looked at me skeptically. "Do you want to talk about it?" He offered.

"Maybe later..." I say slowly.

"Ok, well then, lunch?" He asks again and I nod my head, not trusting my emotions to stay in if I said another word.

We started walking down the street, I'm not sure where too, I'm just thankful for the peace. I've had enough commotion over the past few days to last a life time.

"Chinese's?" He asks me.

"Sure." I respond.

We found an open table at the Chinese's place, and ordered our food. When the waiter brought us our food, I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. He had ordered Elliot's favorite dish.

"It's good to see you laugh... But can I ask what I did to make you laugh? I need to make note, so I can do it more often." He says jokingly.

"It's nothing... You just ordered my partners favorite dish." I say lightly.

"Amaro?" He looks confused.

"Um, no, I ment my old partner. Before Amaro." I say sadly.

"Ah, did you two not end on good terms?" He asked curiously.

"Not exactly. And I just ran into him. Today."

"Oh, I see. Is this what made you upset?"

His curiosity was unusual, but I guess I shouldn't feel so surprised by it, he is a lawyer after all.

"Yea. Yea he's the reason. His always been the fucking reason." I say a little louder than normal. People where glancing our way. "Can we please talk about something else." I say rather than ask. He just nods in response.

"It's going to be ok, Liv. I promise you." He states seriously, and with anger.

"Why do you care so much, Barba? What am I to you?" I question harshly. "You're my friend." He simply states.

I jumped a little as I head a sudden noise. It was Rafael's phone. "It's ok." He asures me.

"What do you want?" He asks into the phone. "She's fine, no thanks to you." I look at him questonable. "She's right here, would you like to talk to her?" He asks with an attitude. "Like I'd let you talk to her right now anyway. You asked me to do this, but now I'm doing this because I want to. Not because you want me to." He hangs up the phone suddenly.

"What was that about?" I ask loudly. "Is the whole squad trying to keep tabs on me now?" I ask in amazement.

"Olivia, it's not like that..."

"Then tell me, why the sudden interest in me? Hmm? You all think I can't handle myself anymore?" I was standing now. Furious.

'Calm down!' I tell myself sternly.

I take a deep breath, trying to let go of the anger, but it was just replaced with self hatred.

"I'm just gonna..." I tral off, walking out of the restaurant.

When I get home, I sit on my bed. Door locked. Knife in my hand.

'It would be just so easy." I think. 'So easy.'

I gently drag it across my thigh, leaving a red mark, but not drawing blood. 'You're too week, you can't even end this hell.' I hear the voice in my head. 'But what comes after this, if I did end it? More hell? Worse?'

I shake the thoughts out of my head as I hear my door close. I freeze.

"Olivia are you here?" It's Amanda. Panic sets in.

I throw the knife under the bed, pull on sweat pants as fast as I can. "Yea, I'm in here." I answer back.

Just as I finish putting my pants on, she bursts through the door. She throws her arms around me and hugs me tightly. Shocked, I just stand there.

She lets go of me and looks me in the eyes. "Please, never leave like that. Please, call me and at least say you want to be left alone or anything. Ok? Ok?" She asks quickly.

I can now see the tears running down her face. It breaks my heart. 'Can't you do anything right?' I think to myself.

"I'm sorry." I say as I sit on my bed. "I'm so sorry!" I say louder, tears coming to my eyes.

She sits next to me and holds me while we both cry; so many tears.

God, what is this life worth anyway?


	6. Chapter 6: The Truth Will Set You Free

Last week my life was fine. I was sane. I wasn't a rape victim. Now I am, and it's not going to change. Though this ordeal has brought about a great deal of change in my life.

Elliot. Damn him. Son of a bitch.

Rafael. I'm not sure what to think of him. Of his behavior. Through it's not my main concern right now.

Amanda. Oh God Amanda.

Light shown through the window of my room. I'm not sure how long I slept after I fell asleep, but I assume it's morning. I haven't moved, Amanda's arms still wrapped around me. I don't want to wake her up.

She's been so helpful to me. I'm very grateful, I feel like she's the one one who even begins to understand.

"You awake?"

I jump a little. Startled.

"Yea, umm. Sorry. About last night, I.."

"I know." She cuts me off.

"I want to go talk to Rafael." I state suddenly.

She looks at me, questioning. I shake my head slightly.

"Mmkay." She agrees sleepy.

"Did you get much sleep?" I question her, jokingly, trying to lighten the mood.

"Plenty. Slept better than I have in months. You?" She responds, laying back down with her eyes closed. Her blond hair in a mess along the pillow.

"Yea. No nightmares. Maybe I should sleep with you more often." I joke playfully as I go to get up.

"Ahhh. Shit. Damn..." Words flow from my mouth as I attempted to get up.

"What's wrong hun?" Amanda is by my side, fully awake and aware now.

"Me head. My eye. Feels like a train ran over me." I gasp softly.

"I'll get you your pain meds and some water."

I didn't even know she left, the next thing I knew she was handing me the pills and water.

"Thanks." I reply in a small voice.

"I'm going to get ready to go. Maybe stop by the office."

"Olivia do you think that's a good idea. I mean yesterday was..."

"It was life. And I have to live with it." I said, ending the conversation.

"Okay..." She replies, defeated.

'Stay calm, stay clam, stay calm.' I repeat in my head as I walk down the street.

'This is so fucking stupid. I can't even leave my damn house without feeling like... This.'

I stop by the park a few block down from work and pull out my phone.

It seems to ring forever.

"Barba."

"Rafael, it's Olivia."

**(Rafael POV)***

"Olivia. How are you?" I ask sitting up straight in my office chair. Surprise evident in my voice.

"I'm good. I'm still here." She attempts to joke.

"Thats great, Liv." I state honestly.

There was a silent pause, it seemed to last hours but I'm sure it was only seconds.

"I want to talk about what happened yesterday." She suddenly states.

"Okay..." I agree reluctantly.

"When?" I ask.

"Now? If your on lunch break yet."

"I'll meet you..."

"At Riverside Park." She cuts me off.

"Okay, I'll see you in a few."

I put down the phone.

My thoughts are everywhere.

'I'm not sure I'm ready to explain this to her. I don't want her to think less of me. I would have never have taken this job here if it wasn't for him. He wanted someone he trusted around her. Now I've grown to actually like her, care for her. He knows. And now its time she knows the truth as well. I am sorry mi amigo. I didn't know it would come to this.'

(Elliot POV)

"She was raped?" I ask the man sitting next to me in the bar.

"How did this happen, Fin?" I ask still in shock.

"Louis. That bastard. He assaulted her a few mouths ago. After Amanda found him in the park, flashing a couple of girls. He burnt his fingerprints off."

Fin stopped to take a swig of beer.

"Finally put the bastard in jail after Liv beat the shit outta him." He smiled at the memory.

"That a girl." I comment.

"Yea, she did good." There was a long pause.

"Long story short, he escaped prison. Kidnapped a little girl. Olivia went off the map to find him. Exchange herself for the little girl. She would have died to protect Amelia. Lewis told Olivia... Told her he would with rape her or Olivia." Fin looked as if he was ready to cry.

So was I.

"She volunteered herself, go save Amelia."

I restated, a little shocked.

"Yea. She did. I'm just sorry that son of a bitch killed himself. I wanted that chance." Fin said with anger.

"Yea. Me too, Fin. Me too."


	7. Chapter 7: The Choices We Make

**Olivia's POV**

"Don't run from me!"

A voice pulls me out of my trance. A mother chasing her young son. He is at least 6 years old.

Looking past the mother running after her son I see Rafael walking towards me. I look down at my watch. It's almost 1 in the afternoon.

"You walk here, Barba?" I ask him only half joking. He just gives me a weak smile in return.

"Walk with me?" He asks in a serious tone.

As we walk through the park it seems as if we are total strangers. The silence of unanswered questions hangs in the air all around us.

"What..."

"I'm..."

"You go first. Explain," I tell him.

"Alright. I just want to say first of all that I'm sorry for what I'm about to tell you. Please let me explain before you react. Okay?" He looks at me questionably. I just nod in response.

"Okay... A few years ago I was looking for a job position as an ADA here in New York. A week before I was supposed to start my new job I ran into someone at a local bar. Actually, the first time I met him was when I attempted to brake up a bar fight he got himself into." Rafael laughed slightly at the memory.

We were still walking through the park. It was nice outside. The silence between us started again, but it didn't last long. I could tell he was trying to prolong this.

"What does this have to do with us?" I ask.

He continued as if he didn't hear me. "After me and a few random guys broke the fight up, I sat down to have a drink with him. We talked about work. What we did. He had just put in his retirement papers..."

I waved my hand to signal him to stop. "No," I said. "I don't want to hear anymore." I walked faster. Trying to put space in between my fist and his face. Our friendship was a lie.

"Olivia," he called as he jogged a little to catch up to me, "Please let me explain, you don't even know half of what you think you do."

"Oh don't I?" I laughed in annoyance. "You're worse than him."

"Detective Benson."

I stopped dead in my tracks.

The smell of liquor filled my nostrils. I felt a body collide with mine from behind. Hands groping me all over, pistol pointed at my head. This couldn't be happing again. There was no way.

"You're so beautiful, Detective."

The sound of someone screaming brought me back to reality. The look on Rafael's face and the looks bystanders were giving me told me that I was the one screaming. A had a flashback.

"God, I'm pathetic," I thought to myself.

"Liv. Olivia. You are safe. It's me. Rafael."

"S... I'm sorry... I don't... I don't know w..."

"Don't apologize."

"Alright."

I hadn't realized that I had fallen to the ground untill Rafael stood up and pulled me to my feet.

Thankful for his understanding we walked in silence once more. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

"Okay," I state.

He looks at me questionably.

"I'll try to understand. Continue," I plea looking at the ground. I can't bare to look him in the eyes after I just had an episode for no apparent reason.

He caught slightly before starting again.

"We talked for awhile. About work. Then he brought you up. Of course, I had not known you at the time but his face said it all. You were everything to him. I could see it in his eyes."

I would be lying if I said I was shocked. He meant the world to me as well. At least I had the same effect on him.

"He knew I would end up working with you. At first I was reluctant to his request, but as time went on it wasn't a hard one to live up to."

The sould of ducks splashing in the water caught my attention for a few seconds. A slight smile took over my lips.

"He asked me to look out for you. Make sure that you didn't spiral out if control after he left."

For the first time sence my little episode I looked at him. Correction, I glared at him. Who did Stabler think he was anyway? Asking a complete stranger to be my guardian angel.

"It wasn't like that," he waved his hand in surrender.

"He just wanted me to make sure that you didn't kill your new partner. Or fall too deep into a rough case."

"Great job," I reply coldly staring off into space. As soon as the words rolled off my tongue I regretted them. However I was in no mood to apologize to my guardian angel.

He looked slightly hurt. Shame filled the depth of my stomach, but I refuse to apologize. Not here. Not now.

"He came back to New York yesterday. We stayed in touch over the years. That phone call yesterday. He's upset with me. I didn't protect you."

"I don't need your protection and I don't want it," I stated coldly.

"I know. But on some level I failed him. I failed you," he seemed close to tears.

"I was ready to ignore his request. Treat you like any other co-worker. But we became friends. And I should have tried harder, I should have been able to put him away for life. He never should have been able to hurt you. I'll always carry that weight on my shoulders."

We had stopped walking. I gave him a sad smile. "If only you knew how much you mean to me," I thought.

"Me too, but it's not our weight to bare," I told him. Only partly believing it myself. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek; I turned around and began to walk back to my apartment. I felt the tears begin to run down my face.

"Anywhere but here, please God. Anywhere but here."

But the tears didn't stop, and neither did my feet.

***Please comment. I desperately need the inspiration. (I own nothing but my imagination)


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